• As well as the pretender’s famous cover of I think porn is gross and that supermodel is too thin
• Deposit ten cents please
• Did you accidentally get on a short bus?
• Did you stick your hand in the oven while you were making it? I always do
• Free mold injected foam products always make me feel better!
• I bought 500 of these with which to festoon our bed
• I’ll just be here buying cotton balls and hannah montana candy
• Imma climb you like a tree comma monkey
• I’ve been smitten by jehovah
• Love that place. I need to take my boobs there
• Medium: pig feet
• Molly hey Molly! My mom thinks you’re really pretty, molly.
• Mouse poop ALL up in my closet
• My orange had fetus in fetu!
• Oh Christ the mexican Shaggs just played the talent show
• Sorry, I know you secretly dread being alone with me
• Strippers, bums, and mariachis
• The cat is not on fire, so no?
• Well, the CIA does NOT want you braising meat
• Wow, dollar store pregnancy tests!
• You HARLOT
• You’re so hot all the cheese in your cheese jacket melts as soon as you put it on. You, baby, are walking queso
|A man on a huge motorcycle just drove by blasting Taylor Swift.|
|Clearly you meant raped the shark! Zing! HAW HAW HAW|
|Clusterfuck with carpet|
|He smells like soup|
|I am pretending it’s money I will put in a suitcase to give to algerian drug lords in order to prevent your feet from being cut off|
|I planted future juleps tonight|
|I would sincerely love to be your set dressing.|
|I’m unfortunately in bed with Chuck Klosterman instead of you|
|Never do a suicide|
|Other than going to the bathroom, I can’t think of a single activity your company wouldn’t improve|
|That was a terse answer, having a gurblugh moment|
|Trouble in paradise with SLOW and Snac-man|
|We’d hang posters over the mold spots to make it homey for you|
|Well it will be a minnesota surprise then. I think I just invented a new sexual position?!|
- A luxurious reprieve from the onerous chore of leg-shaving
- An excuse to listen to deeply bummer music on repeat, preferably while staring at the ceiling
- You are allowed spend one (but only one!) evening on your porch drinking Bud Lite Chelada tallboys purchased from the gas station while saying melodramatic and self-indulgent things like, “I may as well stop plucking my eyebrows, amass several cats, live on Lean Cuisines, and take up needlepoint BECAUSE LOVE DOES NOT EXIST AND I AM DESTINED TO BE ALOOOOOOONE.”
- Good friends will bolster you with compliments, great friends will come over to bring you ice cream, and friends aiming for sainthood will try to hide your Smiths albums
- You get temporary license to write some truly awful, 11th-grade-caliber poetry
I am reasonably certain they are not, in fact, swingers
I have no moral objection to it. It’s a bitter green, right?
I lost my keys in the ignition.
I now feel the need to pretty much be the Best Girlfriend Ever, Now with 95% More Mental Health!
I refuse to cater to Jesus’ insecurity issues.
It’s business! It’s business time!
It’s so plastic that I want my decade back.
New band name: rabid possum.
Song for some band, somewhere, based on a true story: “Existential Crisis at the Office Depot”
When I zest my lemon I think of you…
Yelling like a fool and high-fiving complete strangers
You accidentally said “love you bye” on the voicemail you left
You are more interesting than anxiety disorders.
You gotta show sweet baby jesus how much more than anyone else you love him
My friend Sharon saying, “You should herald the rebirth! Like the Virgin Mary! Only not-so-Virgin! And your name is Molly!”
My tattoo artist trying very dutifully to not touch my boob despite working within millimeters of said boob
A hayride involving drunk passengers, drunk drivers, loose hay bales, a flat trailer tire
My friend Andy describing the new Mercury Rev album thusly: “It’s like Daniel Johnston read some Richard Bach, then fell into a cereal bowl and got eaten by John Tesh.”
- A guitar, loaned indefinitely, because I once mentioned offhand I wished I still played.
- A pep talk including the following: “Everyone loves you, even inanimate objects. I‘ve seen the doorjambs go off kilter just to lean closer to you. Anyone who doesn’t love you is clearly retarded.”
1. My face hurt the other day because I realized I’d been smiling for an hour straight. Smiling. For an hour straight. Like a fucking crazy person.
2. I went to the grocery store and I bought the tea he likes. I also bought the beer he likes, a brand I really dislike, specifically because I won’t drink it and thus it’ll stay in the fridge untouched. And I almost bought strawberries too because I very much enjoyed the thought of feeding strawberries to each other, but they were $3.99/pint so fuck that.
3. I doodled his first name in the margin of my notebook when I was supposed to be taking minutes for an important meeting. Then I realized what I was doing and carefully scrawled “DANIELSON FAMILE” instead, as a cover-up, as if I’m a huge Danielson Famile fan or something. Much more professional.
4. Something involving an insane amount of money and pre-planning and non-refundable plane tickets that I’m still kind of in denial about.
5. Thought about the way he holds a pen, realized I’d never actually seen him hold a pen, and then felt an urgent need to see him hold a pen. Immediately. Like immediately. Like immediately. To my credit, I somehow resisted the urge to text him this particular news.
Your neighbor, no matter how seemingly awesome, is not the exception to the “don’t ever date your neighbor” rule.
It may seem silly, but go ahead and ask if that divorce is actually final. The answer may surprise you!
It’s a really bad sign if your friends don’t actually know the name of person you’re dating because you only refer to him or her by a semi-insulting nickname (i.e., “The Lawnboy” or “The Nazarene” or “The Little Dude”).
If someone goes on and on and on about how all their exes are crazy, that means that they are either extremely bitter or only attracted to mentally unstable people. Or both!
To assume makes an ass out of… you. Mostly just you.
If you have complicated and unreciprocated feelings for someone, or someone has complicated and unreciprocated feelings for YOU, taking a road trip together is an incredibly bad idea.
Only sleep over if you’re reasonably confident that, should you ask, they’d happily go and fetch coffee and/or breakfast tacos for you in the morning.
- “(Crazy For You But) Not That Crazy” – Magnetic Fields
- “Is This Love?” – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
- “Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)?” – Buzzcocks
- “The Hammer Goes Down” – Varnaline
- “I’m Free Now” – Morphine
- “Book of the Month” – Lovage
- “Fuck the Pain Away” – Peaches